Herbal Remedy
by Lord Vetinari
Summary: MousseHerb Warning- Shounen-ai.. obviously. One of Shampoo's plots to win Ranma fails miserably and turns him and Mousse.. 'that way'. Sillyness ensues.


::Uh.. Ok, so I haven't touched anything.. for a long time.. umm.. Don't hurt me! ..Ok, so.. Mousse has long been my favorite character in Ranma 1/2 for.. well, ever since I first saw him, and I also got an odd fascination with Herb. So, using my Rick/Jack mentality, (So I haven't updated in almost a year- don't hurt me!!) I think 'Why not combine the two? *Devilish laughter*' This is the result. But expect erratic updating. Like with all of my works.::  
  
"So what this armadillo do, Great Grandmother?" Cologne squinted from the ignorance.  
  
"This is no ordinary armadillo!" The wise one cursed. "This is the Sacred Armadillo of Gender Reversal! Its effects are permanent, and the cure for it has long been lost." Shampoo snapped at the concept. "Yes, Grandaughter, this may be the thing to Ranma's manhood!!"  
  
"Shampoo use this on Ranma right away! ..For price, of course!" The amazon smiled at her great grandmother's brilliance, and left quickly on her bike plus an armadillo statue. "Ranma marry Shampoo!" She happily sang to herself, "Raaaanma marry Shaaaampoo for maaaanhood!!"  
  
"Shampoo!" Came a sudden cry. The voice alone shot Shampoo's enthusiasm, as she came to a jerking halt. "Wait!" Mousse arrived with a bouquet of flowers. "Oh, Shampoo..! Why must you obsess over such a brat as that Saotome??"  
  
"First all, Mousse," The annoyed girl started, "you talking to pidgeon. Second, you need come close to hear.." The gulliable young man placed his glasses on and obeyed. "Closer.." She beckoned.  
  
"Yes..?" Asked the martial artist. The response was a prompt punch to the jaw, sending him flying to the next district.  
  
"Now Duck Boy gone, Shampoo free to have Ranma!" And so Shampoo went back on her marry way.  
  
Meanwhile, at the Tendo Dojo, the Tendo/Saotome families (plus a Ryoga) were eating lunch.  
  
"So tell me again," Ranma asked with an evil/annoyed look on his face, "WHERE were you at Akane's speech when P-Chan was around..?" Ryoga slammed the table (breaking it, though no one reacted since this was a common occurance,) and stood up, enraged.  
  
"I TOLD you I was.. uh.. Lost! Again! Yes!!" A knock came on the door, so Nabiki rose.  
  
"I'll get it." She said. There was a pause, as there were muffled voices, and suddenly Ranma shivered.  
  
"I sense a disturbance in the Force.." He solemnly said in a soft voice. Genma (being a panda because he could be) held up a sign reading:  
  
'Wrong series, boy.' Then Shampoo bursted in.  
  
"Nihao, Ranma! Shampoo want talk with you outside!" It was Akane's turn to rise.  
  
"And what do you want with him??" Shampoo gave her a cold smirk.  
  
"Shampoo have secret surprize for Ranma. Surprize silly girl could never give."  
  
"Does it have to do with that weird-looking armadillo statue you're holding?" Kasumi innocently asked. There was a pause, until Genma interrupted (with a sign..?) saying:  
  
'Insert awkward silence here.'  
  
"Ranma!" Shampoo finally started again. "You talk with Shampoo or no? Shampoo has GREAT prize You love!" Ranma sighed.  
  
"I hope this goes quick." Akane couldn't stop glaring, and Ryoga couldn't stop giving confused looks. The tomboy then dragged the wanderer into the living room, stomping the whole way.  
  
"Uh.." Ryoga began, "Is there something wrong, Akane..?" Once she stopped, he uprighted himself, out of her grasp. She didn't turn around, facing the wall.  
  
"NO!" Akane's head was now twitching with rage. "Nope!! Everything's just FINE!"  
  
"..Is this about.. Shampoo and Ranma..?" She whipped around, ki enveloping her like a dark, red flame.  
  
"WE'RE GOING TO SEE WHAT THEY'RE UP TO!!" Akane then proceeded to drag Ryoga outside to spy on the aforementioned.  
  
Outside, Ranma stretched casually while Shampoo was excitedly hopping from side to side, hardly able to contain her happiness.  
  
"So.." Began Saotome, "What's the big news?" Immediately, the amazon shoved him into the pond. Splashing and sputtering, Ran-chan emerged, furious. "What was THAT for?!" Then, as a token of her love, Shampoo chucked the armadillo statue at her. "AAAHHH!!" Unable to dodge, Ranma was conked on the head, an instant K.O. Shampoo happily poinged up and down a few times, waiting for the armadillo to take effect. After two minutes of jumping in place and Ranma's lack of movement in the water, she began to wonder. Grabbing a fishing net, the amazon was able to retrieve both the body and the statue successfully. To her horror, however, Ranma was still a woman.  
  
"WHAT?! Why it no work?!?" Akane leapt from the bushes, Ryoga still in tow.  
  
"So THAT'S what it was for?? The armadillo was supposed to turn him back into a man??" Shampoo was in no mood for arguing, her hopes temporarily shattered.  
  
"Silly girl shut up!" Grabbing a teakettle, (from.. somewhere,) she poured the warm water on Ranma to turn her back into a male. "Wake up, Groom!" She yelled, slapping his face, "You supposed to be all man!" Ranma snapped back to consciousness, shaking his head and pausing for a moment.  
  
"Ranma, are you alright?" Asked Akane, attempting to hold his hand. He suddenly snapped back in disgust.  
  
"Why would a tomboy GIRL like you care?!" Ryoga snapped up once more.  
  
"WHAT?! I'll tolerate no such rudeness towards Akane Tendo!" Ranma glared at the wanderer, getting into a ready pose.  
  
"Yeah, if a fight's what you want, prettyboy-" A pause. "Pretty.. boy..?" Slowly, the warrior's eyes widened. "Ryoga.. Did you know.. you have.. beautiful eyes..?" Ryoga froze.  
  
"WHAT?!" Both Akane and Shampoo yelled in confusion. Ranma blushed and turned his head.  
  
"Ryoga.. How could I have missed..?"  
  
"Ranma, I think that armadillo hit you a little too hard.." Answered Ryoga with a baffled look. Akane turned to Shampoo, her neck cracking at every angle, the ki flowing once more.  
  
"Shampoo.. What have you done...???" Shampoo slinked away slightly.  
  
"Great Grandmother gave Shampoo Sacred Armadillo of Gender Reversal.." The amazon fondled the statue, puzzled. Ranma was now trying to hug Ryoga.  
  
"C'mon, bud, give me a hug!"  
  
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"  
  
"Ryoga, you have such cute fangs..!"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"  
  
"Sacred Armadillo of Gender Reversal..?" Repeated Akane. "As in.. reversal of gender preference..?" Both girls turned to their object of affection. He was now trying to give the confused Ryoga a bunch of hurriedly-picked flowers, blushing and grinning like mad. The recipient, of course, was running in circles around the yard, running away. In realization, Akane fell on the ground, hands in the air, with the camera zooming up and away, yelling  
  
"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Shampoo, unable to fully grasp that her crush was now.. that way.. and that there was no known cure, stared in disbelief for a few seconds and then ran crying.  
  
Buckling telephone polls and flying bystanders gave away the frustrated amazon's position, and so a certain young martial artist was able to find her.  
  
"Shampoo, please wait!" Mousse cried. Shampoo halted once more, but with darker intentions now than sending the poor man flying. "Oh, Shampoo.. I see your eyes are red- what did that bastard do to you?!"  
  
"If Shampoo no have Ranma.." She said shakely, twitching with rage from her loss, "..If Shampoo loose Ranma to men.. Then Shampoo should no need to deal with likes of STUPID DUCK BOYS!!" Before Mousse could even react, he got a face full of armadillo. Shampoo took the chance and ran, without purpose or direction.  
  
Regaining consciousness, the martial artist took a moment to recollect his thoughts. The last thing he could recall was Shampoo being upset.. something about her 'loosing him to men'.. And then an armadillo..? Mousse sat up, the statue falling off of his face.  
  
"Shampoo!" He cried, running up to her, "Please don't leave me! What are you talking abou-"  
  
"Look, Mom!" A young boy said, pointing to the martial artist, "That man's talking to a frog!" Realizing that once again he needed his glasses, Mousse donned them on to realize- why did he really want to talk to Shampoo..? She was always cruel to him anyway.. The frog hopped away, none the wiser.  
  
"Blasphemy!!" He suddenly shouted, standing upright. "I've always loved Shampoo- I always will!" For what, he suddenly thought. She was always unkind in turn, repaying your kindness in pain. "But.. I love her.." Yet another pause. Love her? Did he really?  
  
"Ohh.. There are so many women in this city..!" A familiar voice cried. The young martial artist turned towards the voice's owner, to see Mint, Lime, and Herb. "Can we try this 'flirting' deal, Master Herb? Can we? Please??" Herb scowled at Mint.  
  
"How many times must I tell you- we must stay focused on our mission!" Randomly, Herb saw Mousse. For an instant- a fraction of a second, there was eye contanct. Herb thought nothing of it. And yet, for Mousse, it lasted an eternity.  
  
Mousse had felt it all before- the flying-feeling, the knots in his stomach, the warmth and sweat.. but it was all wrong, all misplaced. The ecstasy, the joy, the enthusiasm, the excitement, the pure happiness, it was all there- but not at the right time.  
  
"No.." He whispered to himself, as he then began to wander, lost in thought. Mindlessly, he walked through the downtown, the suburbs, the parks, and finally into the nearby mountains until he put two and two together. "NO!" Birds suddenly took flight, and the mountains echoed with a shriek that filled the valley and entered the city for all to hear, while its crier realized in fear- "I'M GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!" 


End file.
